Grief is one of those words that means so much, yet still not adequate in its definition. It’s an action, a state of being, something that we do and yet just happens to us, that is not one-size-fits-all. We all grieve differently.
Some people are doers, they express their grief by busying themselves with doing good things to remember those who have passed on and to help those who remain.
Some people get lost in their grief and need others to come along side them and walk through the grief with them. Maybe even to pull them out of their despair.
Some people ignore their grief and suppress it, only to have it rear its ugly head later as unwanted anger or resentment.
Some of us are all of the above I guess. You can’t really label grief entirely.
Love is another such word. It is an action, a state of being, it is not simply an emotion, no OSFA definition to the word or how people apply it in their lives. People express their love in various ways. Some are doers, some are “talkers” (who like to express via words rather than deeds), some are touchy-feely types who want to hug you all the time… 😉 We are all different and even different in various times and circumstances.
When someone is grieving and they express their desire to do something to honor the loved one, and/or the surviving loved ones, it is a disservice to deny them. If I’ve learned anything from my bereavement doula training it is this, people need to express their grief. Don’t shut them up. Help them to do so in beneficial and appropriate ways.
This does not mean to take advantage of generosity of course. There has to be a delicate balance.
Growing up I was greatly influenced by my Grandparents who believed that one should not take “charity”, as they called it. If someone offered to do something for you, or give you something, you should not take it, you could buy it from them, but not accept a gift. However, they would have been highly offended if someone didn’t accept a gift from them. Smacks of double standards to me and this mind-set is one that is quite contrary to Biblical thinking in my understanding. Certainly there is truth in not taking advantage of good-hearted individuals. Yet the whole of the “new testament” is about helping one-another. Feeding others who have no means at the time. Giving, helping, doing for others. Selling your own goods to help a brother/sister in need. All of this “charity” stems from a heart of love. How do you tell someone to not show their love? I can’t imagine that. Yeshua (Jesus) says that this is how the world knows we are his disciples, by our love for our brothers. It is the heart of the entire Law.
Now abides these three: Faith, Hope and Love (Charity), but the greatest of these is love.
Expressing our love during times of grief is paramount to the healing process. I want to honor my Father, do things that keep his good name alive, to keep his heritage alive because I love him. I guess I’m a type of doer in this regard. Many people are. I can’t imagine how I would feel if someone told me I couldn’t do that. It’s out of that place that I gratefully accept the love and honor that others give to my Dad, in his memory, to me and to others. And in time, I hope to return the love and honor to them in whatever ways possible.
Alaska on my mind... 