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Clarity

Sometimes life has a way of getting our attention. It makes us sit down, or stand up, and take notice of things that perhaps we were trying to hide, or avoid. Things that we need to act on.

That’s what happened to me.

When Dad died, my world changed, but it was more than just him being gone that changed. I had to face some realities of my own.

I made it to Alaska a week after Dad’s death, and two days later my Dad’s good friend drove me out to his cabin. I needed to go, he didn’t really want to go out there, but knew that it was something that I needed, and out of respect for my Dad, he took me. I had to be in my Dad’s space, I had to feel what was left of his “presence” if you know what I mean.

We drove out there is a shroud of silence mostly. Each of us struggling with our own grief and guilt.

I took some time to walk around outside and explore while Dean went into the cabin to light a fire. It was cold, highs in the low 30s. The cabin was frozen, and it never did warm up all the way. But then again, maybe that was just the way I felt.

As I walked around the trails that my Dad had made with his snow machine, I just took in the fresh, clean air. I cried. I called out to my Dad, and to G-d. I let my feelings wash over me.

As I was walking around, I stopped and looked out over the “ball field” that Dad had cleared, and just stood there.  Something happened to me there that I can’t really explain adequately. It was like a whirlwind of sorts, not violent, just swirling around me. And images from my life flashed before my eyes. Images that were painful. And the thought that kept presenting itself to my mind was “what am I doing?“.  I felt G-d’s presence and a sense of release and direction. Both things I had been praying for years without receiving.  I knew I had some changes to make. And I finally felt free to make them.

Those changes presented themselves over the course of the next 3-4 weeks.

I had to go back to Kansas, but I knew I had to get back to Alaska, where I felt I belonged (and have wanted to live for many years) but I needed my children with me. Notice I didn’t need anyone else. The reality of this wasn’t new to me, and I have felt if for many years. Preferring to hide it from the world, and largely from myself.

I was reluctant to admit my true feelings for a while. It took me almost a month to fully voice what I needed to do. I struggled with the feeling of failure, again. Feeling like I didn’t deserve to be happy, or just to be normal, again. I’ve been angry for so long, angry was my normal. I didn’t want to live that way any longer.

“Mud season”, that’s what Richie calls these life-altering times when our world gets turned upside down and inside out. He’s always saying “don’t make any life changing decisions during mud season”.  But for some of us, it takes mud season to prompt the life changing decisions and act of them. And as I’m learning, mud season (summer) is just a way of life up here. You learn to adapt and live with it.

Life changes, we adapt, and we go on.

I’m going on.

With clarity.

And peace.

Muddin’

June 21, last Friday, was the day that we had set aside to ride out to the cabin, for just a day trip, to check the trails and hopefully do a little trail grooming/clearing and playing in the mud. We rode out to the end of the road, unloaded the wheeler, parked the truck and took off for the beach. We rode out on the beach half way to Leif’s Creek and then went up “Jacob’s Ladder” to the trail above. Four wheeling on the beach was fun, but wow, what a muddy, messy ride up Jacob’s ladder. Lots of holes and a really messed up trail from all the rough riders ripping and tearing through there. 😦 Really hard to navigate plus you are right on the edge of the bluff.
Finally made it to the main trail, remember, still have about 5 miles or so to go as Leif’s Creek is the half-way point. Through mud. Some places were so dry that we kicked up some dust, but mostly, it was thick, sticky mud, and water holes covered with stagnant water and mosquitoes.

The first part of the ride “my driver” (ha ha, I sound like Miss Daisy) took it easy on me and went slow through the mud. We got stuck in a deep hole that we just couldn’t get the wheeler out of, so we had to use the wench and pull it out. I fell into the mud bog trying to move around in the middle of that big mud hole, holding the rope tied to a tree and the wench. Muddy pant legs from the knees down. Muddy gloves, mud in the gloves. While stopped there I saw some large wolf tracks in the mud. (that’s for you Makayla!)

We went on up the trail till we met some friends on the way, Tami and Mike. Stopped to visit with them a bit. Mike gave us a good summary of the trail in front of us, told us where to avoid and where to go around the bigger mud bogs. Talked about mosquitoes because they are big news this year, they are so bad! And talked about Dad. Heard more stories about him, I don’t think I’ll ever grow weary of hearing people talk about him.

Then we were off again. We forded a water crossing with water up to mid-calf and away we went. The rest of our trip went well, since we had good instructions from Mike about the bad spots and we made it to the cabin with only a few more “stuck” spots. We saw some bear sign on the trail (that’s the nice way of saying bear poop) and lots of moose tracks.

Checked on the cabin, watered the garden, killed some mosquitoes, ate some lunch that we packed in, smashed sandwiches taste pretty good when you’ve worked up an appetite battling the mud! 😉 After a short break, back to the trail to get out. We had to be back in town by 4 pm, and we were racing the tide, needed to be off the beach by 3:30 or so we thought, so we had to get going.

For some reason, the trip back was a little more muddier than the trip in. Someone decided that it would be more fun to baha through the mud more and although he was right, it was a lot more fun, it was also a lot more muddier and bouncy! I nearly bounced off that wheeler a couple of times. My arms are still sore from holding the rack. It was quite the initiation to the summer Gray Cliffs mud and trail, and 4 wheeling.

Ran into Tami and Mike again, who had a few extra friends with them. I love being introduced to new people as “This is Chuck’s Daughter”. LOL Some of them actually ask MY name, others are just fine with Chuck’s Daughter. I need a name tag that says “Hello, my name is Chuck’s Daughter” and just wear it around town. While we were stopped we saw a cow moose and her twin calves coming down the trail at us. She got pretty close considering the noise the 9 of us were making!

We made it to the beach at 2:10 and the tide was coming in. We probably didn’t have until 3:30. Learning these tides is a whole new experience to be sure. There’s the timing of the tides, and the height or how far in they are coming, and learning where that mark is on the beach, and learning the beach… I feel like I’m cramming for final exams.

I’m glad we went in though, gave me a good understanding of the difficulty of the mud trail, and what all we need to get done before Dad’s memorial in July (which is A LOT!). And the reality of how out of shape that I am! Wowzers! There’s no way we could ride the kids in on wheelers in that mess. Maybe a track rig or a 6 wheeled rig, but not a 4-wheeler!

Next time, with rain gear and taller boots I hope, I will have even more fun. Who knows, pretty soon I’ll be riding in on my own wheeler, then we can race, and eventually I’ll win. 😉

Baptized with mud...

Baptized with mud…

Alaska through the eyes of a child…

Kids are funny. They are perceptive and observant, they don’t miss much. You can ask them one minute what they like and you’ll get a “eh, I don’t know” but the next minute they are exclaiming how wonderful or awesome this or that is. I asked them what they liked so far about living in Alaska and this is what they said:

Thing 1’s favorites things: Going to the beach and playing in the water, making sand castles, playing with friends, eating (fresh canned) salmon patties, spending time with “Uncle Deano” (who is just a big kid himself), being at Papa’s cabin, and I love 4 wheeling! (she’s quite good on the 4 wheeler too!)

Thing 1 in the loft, reading of course!

Thing 1 in the loft, reading of course!

Thing 2’s favorites things: being at Papa’s cabin, playing with new friends, going to the beach, climbing the bluff, eating salmon and halibut – Yum!

Thing 2 in his "pirate ship"

Thing 2 in his “pirate ship”

Little Bit likes to: go to the park, play at Jake’s house with his kids, going to the beach, watching moose and moose babies.

Little Bit on her teeter totter.

Little Bit on her teeter totter.

The big kid, Mama likes all of those things too, but gazing at the mountains in the early morning or late day sun is my favorite. Being on the beach in the evening with the light reflecting off of the water is a close second. Being at the cabin, where it is so peaceful and relaxing is beyond my wildest dreams. I really get it why Dad lived out there. There are days when I just long to be out there. Unfortunately reality set in and keeps me from spending too much time at the cabin. Hopefully that will change soon. Until then, I’ll enjoy every little minute I get out there.

First day on the new job.

 

 

My first day went well. It wont take me long to be up to speed, however, punching a time clock will be a change for me after a decade of not having to do so. My trainer is great and I’m going to enjoy working with her, she’s very upbeat and positive. The first three days I’ll be in department with someone, then my last three days this week I’ll be on my own for the large part of the day, on the three busiest days of the week too! Wish me success!!

 

Life is Learning

 

 

Our approach to homeschooling is that every day, there is something to learn, whether you think you’re at “school” or not.

 

Life is learning.

 

Live and learn, a motto that is my reality!

 

Especially here! And believe me, you learn quickly here!

 

We have seen and done so many new things in our short time here than we’ve done in months, or years even, before moving here it seems

 

Going to the beach, the learning opportunities are boundless. From the tides and how the moon effects them, to the sea and the water content. The rooks and sand are so interesting, most of it being glacial in origin, you just never know what you’ll find. (BTW, to my homeschooling friends back in the lower 48 if you’d like to have a sample of beach sand and rock, just ask and we’ll send you some!) The strata visible on the sloughing bluff. The sandy silty composition of the soil… The mountains, complete with active volcanoes. Plate tectonics. Geology, History, Physics, Biology, our reality!

 

And that’s just the beginning! Then there’s bear, moose, wolves, and salmon and their interesting life cycles, the different varieties of salmon, all of which is hands on learning when you can see them, touch their tracks or cast them, (like the bear, moose and wolves), or in the case of moose and salmon, eat them! 😉 The kind of learning that we like, hands on, living it out. Being part of our lessons, not simply just listening to a lecture or reading about it in a book, which have their place, but really being a part of learning.

 

My Dad’s Friends

My Dad had a lot of friends, he loved to socialize and have a good time and he made friends easily.
A regular party animal.
Death has a way of bringing out the good and the bad in people, you can always tell who the true friends are.

Mike and Tami were close neighbors to Dad at the cabin. They spent countless hours together. They have continued to be good friends to my Dad through their kindness and helpfulness. Looking after Dad’s place, weeding the garden, staying in touch with me, going above and beyond to honor his memory. When Dad died, Tami sent me many photos of Dad hanging out with them. Precious memories and I’m very thankful for them!

Scott and Deni are another pair of cabin neighbors that spent a lot of time with my Dad. Scott and family have been good to care for Dad’s place, weed the garden, and stay in touch as well. He sent me a lot of photos of Dad, and a hilarious video too. Things that make me smile! Knowing that so many people loved my Dad and still care enough about him to honor his memory, gives me great comfort.

Then there’s Dean. Dean was Dad’s closest friend. He has been such an asset to us, showing us how to live up here, taking us to the cabin, he’s a real gem. He’s a walking encyclopedia for Alaska life and has plenty of stories to tell on my Dad! Without Dean, we wouldn’t be able to even make it to the cabin. I’m eternally grateful for his help and friendship.

Dad had many more friends of course. Some of which were very close to him during his life and were very helpful immediately following Dad’s death. Many of them helped during the memorial preparations, like Tim & Patsy did. Jake is another of Dad’s friends who filled a very important position along with Dean of accompanying us to the funeral home to say our last good-byes. Jake has been good to welcome us here after our move along with his family, my kids enjoy spending time there.
All of these people are special to me to one degree or another.

Death brings with it the end of some friendships, here in this world at least, and yet it brings the beginning of others. If I can find the good in my Dad’s death, it’s the new friendships that I’ve found through his life and his death.

Dad with Tami

Dad with Tami

TVDadandMike

Scott and Dad enjoying life!

TVDadandMike2

Mike and Dad, all smiles!

Moose!

The kids saw their first cow moose and twin calves today! Right in our backyard! 🙂 Then on our way into town, a cow and calf crossed the road in front of us. They are so enamored with the big goofy looking creatures! Just like their Mama! 😉

Got a Job!!

Yes, a new job. Haven’t had one of those in a decade! 😉 It’s with a local retail store. I’m looking forward to the experience, definitely will get to know the locals this way!
Speaking of which… the locals are so helpful and generally nice people. I’ve lived in areas where outsiders are simply not accepted, but here it’s not that way. People are friendly, very helpful, courteous and actually a lot of chivalry going on up here.  It’s nice for a change!

Hiking with little kids….

 

 

The first thing I’ve learned is that kids are amazing. They can do much more than we often give them credit for. My kiddos did great on their first hike into the cabin. Even Little Bit with her tiny self did well. She probably had the most trouble with trip hazards because she just can’t see them with the grass that is as tall as she is. Being the smallest and shortest legs, she was also the slowest which was to be expected. She did get a free ride a few times, up the bluff, through the worst part of the bogs, and over the most difficult terrain. But carrying a 30+ pound pack and a 20+ pound kid is hard work! When we made it through the rough parts, down she went and back to walking herself. She’ll be a resilient Alaska woman one of these days, probably the best of all 3 of us.

 

 

Thing 1 and Thing 2 were great. They had found some walking sticks on the beach that they used to go in and out with. They came in pretty handy too, wish I had one! Each of us had a pack (except Little Bit) in which our clothes, water and food was packed. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were carrying their clothes and some extra water bottles, stuff like that. Dean’s pack was the heaviest, probably 60 pounds at least, carrying in most of our water and food. Mine had water, clothes, emergency supplies, and I was packing the heat on my hip. (Thankfully we didn’t need it, but you just never know, always be prepared!) We packed in 4 gallons of water, which we used 3 of, and there was an additional 10 gallons of water at the cabin that we used to wash and clean up with. 5 people use a lot of water even when trying to conserve it!

 

 

The return trip was much easier since our packs were not nearly as heavy, we only had dirty laundry and misc things to pack out. Lighter loads make for better hiking! And it was easier to carry Little Bit with lighter packs. I can see where a front pack or at least my rebozo would have been a good idea to tie that child on so I could carry her all the way in. But then again, she needs to learn to do this on her own. Thing 1 and Thing 2 took turns walking with Little Bit and holding her hand. That seemed to help her keep her pace up and gave them something helpful to do. Thing 2 was actually the most helpful. It was so cute watching him pick her up and carry her over the mud holes. He’s going to make a good Alaska Man, a gentleman and capable of doing anything. A great combination!

 

I have hopes of going in on 4 wheelers next trip. The trail is drying out nicely and hopefully, if it stays that way (no big rains) we can ride in and carry some extra stuff in. I need to change out Dad’s cookware, most of what is left at the cabin now is aluminum (Linda had requested I bring in Dad’s cast iron for her back in April, so there’s not much left to cook in) and I don’t use aluminum. I need to find a skillet, and a few baking pans to take out and leave there so we can actually cook a full meal with out using one pot to do so! 😉

 

 

I also want to get Dad’s big moose rack back into the cabin. Hopefully we can get that done before his memorial in July. Definitely need to pack that rack in on a wheeler. Much to heavy and difficult to pack in on your back!

 

Cabin Fever

 

Well, we just spent a magical weekend at my Dad’s cabin.

 

The hike into the cabin was something out of a bad dream… climbing a huge bluff, Devil’s clubs, swarming mosquitoes, murky swap water, blisters and trip hazards. It took us about an hour and a half but we made it. With three little kids, my friend and I hiked into the cabin without getting lost (that’s due to the awesome navigational skills of my friend Dean by the way) and survived the better part of three days. And, the best part, we all loved it!

 

 

I’ve got cabin fever, and I don’t mean that I want out of the cabin, I want to get back to the cabin! It is so peaceful out there. Otherworldly. The cares of this world are left behind and you enter a different reality.

 

 

I had a great deal of apprehension about my emotional reaction to taking my kids out for the first time and spending Father’s Day out there. Once we were close to the cabin and I could actually recognize the trail, I could hear Dean and the kids up ahead calling out “we can see the roof!!” and “there it is!” (I was bringing up the rear of this caravan) I started to break down. I slowed down, and even stopped for a few minutes. I could hear them yelling for me to hurry up so they could go inside, since they were waiting for me before going in. I told them to go on in without me and I sat down on the bench behind the cabin and had a good cry. Dean came over and took my pack in and I sat out there letting the tears flow. I regret not bringing my kids to my Dad. If I could turn back time… I would have worked harder to find a way to bring them to him. I have to give my kids their Grandpa through his legacy now. His cabin, that is his life achievement, his pride and joy and he is everywhere out there.

 

 

Admittedly we were very tired by the time we made it to the cabin. After a brief rest, some major exploring by the kiddos, we managed to cook some super over an Alaska bar-b-Que grill (a 55 gallon drum converted to a trash incinerator (this one used only for grilling)). My first home-cooked cabin meal!

 

 

Due to our late arrival, bedtime was somewhat delayed… we made it to the cabin around 10 pm. But remember, still very bright outside, like say, 4 pm Central Time. Sleep was easy that night even with the daylight. because everyone was exhausted. My Dad’s cabin has a loft bedroom above the sun-room, equipped with a skylight, it is bright up there in the summer time! It was cozy with me and three kiddos in his essentially double bed. There were feet everywhere! Because you know, kids can’t sleep in the normal position, they were upside down, sideways and in-between… and mosquitoes lots of mosquitoes..

 

 

 

We killed at least a million mosquitoes that night. Dad has this handy little tennis racket looking thing that zaps them when you hit them. We had fun playing mosquito tennis, until I broke it. We had to resort to bug spray and mosquito coils so we could sleep. All was not lost however, the racket was fixed the next day and we were back into the swing of things…. We have decided we need at least 3 more of those things!

 

 

Our first Sabbath at the cabin was quiet and restful. The kids explored again. They checked out the swing first, and the outhouse then off to the sauna and the garden and old outhouse. They looked in every nook and cranny in the cabin it seemed. We had an afternoon Torah reading time in the sun-room. It was pretty awesome. We killed more mosquitoes, consider it a good deed done for all of mankind. 😉

 

 

The rhubarb out there is amazing! Since there’s so much of it, we harvested a little and found a recipe in Dad’s stash for rhubarb crumble. I made a batch for dessert. There was something very gratifying to harvest and bake that rhubarb into my very first dessert at the cabin. I think my Dad would have enjoyed it, that is, if he would have let me make it in the first place. Dad was a bit of a kitchen hog, especially in his own cabin. We didn’t want to take too much (because we have to make rhubarb wine with the rest of it) but we brought in a bag of rhubarb so we can have some more home-made Alaska goodness here at the apartment. Oh, and we killed more mosquitoes. Do you know how annoying it is to be baking and having to wipe mosquitoes off of your brow? You get flour everywhere, and make a general mess of yourself. Which remember, in a waterless cabin you can’t just go shower.

 

 

Since the cabin was left unintentionally unkempt, we did have some tidying up to do. We swept the floors, washed dishes, washed windows in the sun-room and did a general clean-sweep inside. Even though Dad’s good friends Mike and Tami caught and removed two squirrels that had gotten in and tore up the place (and cleaned up their major messes prior to our visit), I still had a bit of a mess from those two squirrels, their poop: their calling cards were everywhere! And let me tell ya, it’s not nearly as interesting as moose nuggets… Before we headed back on Sunday, I stripped the bed and packed the linens to bring into town to wash, freshened up the pillows and blankets outside, and killed millions more of mosquitoes.

 

 

Spending time out there on Father’s Day was healing. Everywhere I looked I saw my Father. From his old hats and jackets hanging behind the wood stove (which still smell like him), to his initials carved in the table and garden gate. To his craftsmanship, knowing that his two hands built that cabin, peeled those logs, made everything that was visible, he is everywhere out there. His friends have made a sign and hung on the garden fence, which is very touching and comforting at the same time. Knowing that they come out every time they are at their own cabins and check on Dad’s place, take care of it, weed the garden, remembering him, all of that means a great deal to me. Dad’s true friends are still honoring his memory by their actions and deeds.
I notice.
And it comforts me.
My Dad was loved by many.

 

 

Sunday morning kids planted some of the seeds that Dad had bought for the garden right before his death. They put some of the salad bar in (raised bed for greens and radishes) and planted the row right next to the salad bar with some cucumbers. Tami has some plants for the rest of the garden so we left the rest un-planted. We watered the strawberries and raspberries too.

 

 

Late Sunday morning we packed it all up and headed out. Thankfully our trek only took us half an hour this time. Something about being rested and starting the day made for a faster hike than the one into the cabin. Oh yeah, and our packs didn’t weigh a hundred pounds collectively either. I imagine that helped a lot. We killed more mosquitoes on our way out.

 

 

Once we hit the beach, it was high tide. We hung out and let the kids play for a while. They found more agate, lots of mud and fun silt/clay to create with. I was walking and beach-combing when I discovered the unfortunate truth about the mud pits hidden beneath the sand out on that beach. Like quicksand, you are stuck before you even know it. Thankfully my buddy was there to pull me out! Nasty, slimy, silty, sandy mud in your boots is not a good sensation. Think of Quickcrete, poured into my mud boots. Yeah, it sets up like concrete too. Nothing like having to go wash your boots, inside and out, and your feet in the cold inlet waters of Alaska. Killed more mosquitoes, they seemed to have followed me down off of the bluff.

 

 

Finally home. Boy were we tired! The kids were hungry of course, go figure. But all I wanted was to take a nap. Now it’s time for bed and I’m wide awake. Ah well, good for writing!

 

 

While I was walking the beach I had some time to reflect and count my blessings. I have so much to be thankful for. Had a nice walk and talk with my Abba, thanking Him for all he has given me: my children, being here in Alaska, the beauty surrounding me & the ability to be in it, the wonderful faithful friends that he has brought to my life over the years and the new ones, my family (I miss my Mom and my Seester), and the life I had with my Dad. I’m thankful for each and every one, every moment, all the good memories. It was a good Father’s Day, a very healing one.
And a lot less mosquitoes!!! HalleluYah!

 

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