Old Glory
July 4th has double meaning for us this year, it marks our first month anniversary of living in Alaska! Yes, it’s been an entire month already! Time does fly!
This is my second Independence Day in Alaska, the first one was in 1994, in Seward for the big celebration. What a crazy time that was! This one will be much more subdued!
I hope your Independence Day is blessed!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions… or so they say.
I’ve had them in the past, felt that I was trying to be “helpful” and voiced my opinion, when what I should have done was asked “how can I pray for you?” or “can I help you in any way”… Instead of offering my thoughts on what they should or shouldn’t do.
Ever happen to you?
Yeah, it’s happening to me.
I understand why, but it’s still hard to accept.
I guess that maybe my bereavement doula training has offered me even greater insight and wisdom in this regard. No matter how much information we think we may know about a situation, if you haven’t walked in the shoes of the person experiencing it, you cannot fully understand. You can try to, you can empathize, you can be supportive, or you can say hurtful things with your good intentions. The power of life and death is in the tongue, use it wisely.
The experts say it takes two weeks (or is it three) to develop a new routine or habit. We’re working on our third week here and thankfully we’ve started to develop some new routines.
The big one would be bedtime of course.
Going to bed when it’s still broad daylight outside is a challenge to anyone, especially to children. Thanks to blinds and a dark curtain, we have finally gotten into the swing of going to bed by 9 pm. The little ones are headed to bed at 8:30 and Thing 1 gets to read for a while before bedtime. But lights out at 9!
Mom is doing good too in that regard. Still a night owl, but not the 2 am sort anymore. I’m rarely up past midnight, and when I am, it’s usually because I had to work or we were doing something outdoors that kept us out late. I’m up early too most days. A real change for me to say the least!
Another great routine is tidying up the place. Our apartment is definitely not cluttered (we don’t have too much stuff yet) and we like it that way. The kids have several toys and are learning to keep them picked up when not playing with them. Thing 1 has a tote full of craft supplies that our neighbor gave her that she also likes to get out and string all over the place. As long as she picks up after herself and puts everything away, we are good!
The dishes are put away and dirties loaded into the washer, rarely do we have a sink full of dirty dishes! It’s an awesome feeling! Plus my counter-tops are clear! And for any of you close enough to me to know that this is a big issue for me! 🙂
The next routine is that of getting used to the new job then come fall, incorporating our homeschooling into this schedule. Working odd shifts that change daily is going to be a challenge, but thankfully we have some good people helping provide us with childcare! I’m very thankful for that! It’s hard enough to find folks to care for your kids when you’ve lived somewhere for years, let alone a few weeks! I am truly blessed that YHVH has brought us several good people to help fill this need!
Sometimes life has a way of getting our attention. It makes us sit down, or stand up, and take notice of things that perhaps we were trying to hide, or avoid. Things that we need to act on.
That’s what happened to me.
When Dad died, my world changed, but it was more than just him being gone that changed. I had to face some realities of my own.
I made it to Alaska a week after Dad’s death, and two days later my Dad’s good friend drove me out to his cabin. I needed to go, he didn’t really want to go out there, but knew that it was something that I needed, and out of respect for my Dad, he took me. I had to be in my Dad’s space, I had to feel what was left of his “presence” if you know what I mean.
We drove out there is a shroud of silence mostly. Each of us struggling with our own grief and guilt.
I took some time to walk around outside and explore while Dean went into the cabin to light a fire. It was cold, highs in the low 30s. The cabin was frozen, and it never did warm up all the way. But then again, maybe that was just the way I felt.
As I walked around the trails that my Dad had made with his snow machine, I just took in the fresh, clean air. I cried. I called out to my Dad, and to G-d. I let my feelings wash over me.
As I was walking around, I stopped and looked out over the “ball field” that Dad had cleared, and just stood there. Something happened to me there that I can’t really explain adequately. It was like a whirlwind of sorts, not violent, just swirling around me. And images from my life flashed before my eyes. Images that were painful. And the thought that kept presenting itself to my mind was “what am I doing?“. I felt G-d’s presence and a sense of release and direction. Both things I had been praying for years without receiving. I knew I had some changes to make. And I finally felt free to make them.
Those changes presented themselves over the course of the next 3-4 weeks.
I had to go back to Kansas, but I knew I had to get back to Alaska, where I felt I belonged (and have wanted to live for many years) but I needed my children with me. Notice I didn’t need anyone else. The reality of this wasn’t new to me, and I have felt if for many years. Preferring to hide it from the world, and largely from myself.
I was reluctant to admit my true feelings for a while. It took me almost a month to fully voice what I needed to do. I struggled with the feeling of failure, again. Feeling like I didn’t deserve to be happy, or just to be normal, again. I’ve been angry for so long, angry was my normal. I didn’t want to live that way any longer.
“Mud season”, that’s what Richie calls these life-altering times when our world gets turned upside down and inside out. He’s always saying “don’t make any life changing decisions during mud season”. But for some of us, it takes mud season to prompt the life changing decisions and act of them. And as I’m learning, mud season (summer) is just a way of life up here. You learn to adapt and live with it.
Life changes, we adapt, and we go on.
I’m going on.
With clarity.
And peace.
Kids are funny. They are perceptive and observant, they don’t miss much. You can ask them one minute what they like and you’ll get a “eh, I don’t know” but the next minute they are exclaiming how wonderful or awesome this or that is. I asked them what they liked so far about living in Alaska and this is what they said:
Thing 1’s favorites things: Going to the beach and playing in the water, making sand castles, playing with friends, eating (fresh canned) salmon patties, spending time with “Uncle Deano” (who is just a big kid himself), being at Papa’s cabin, and I love 4 wheeling! (she’s quite good on the 4 wheeler too!)
Thing 1 in the loft, reading of course!
Thing 2’s favorites things: being at Papa’s cabin, playing with new friends, going to the beach, climbing the bluff, eating salmon and halibut – Yum!
Thing 2 in his “pirate ship”
Little Bit likes to: go to the park, play at Jake’s house with his kids, going to the beach, watching moose and moose babies.
Little Bit on her teeter totter.
The big kid, Mama likes all of those things too, but gazing at the mountains in the early morning or late day sun is my favorite. Being on the beach in the evening with the light reflecting off of the water is a close second. Being at the cabin, where it is so peaceful and relaxing is beyond my wildest dreams. I really get it why Dad lived out there. There are days when I just long to be out there. Unfortunately reality set in and keeps me from spending too much time at the cabin. Hopefully that will change soon. Until then, I’ll enjoy every little minute I get out there.
The first thing I’ve learned is that kids are amazing. They can do much more than we often give them credit for. My kiddos did great on their first hike into the cabin. Even Little Bit with her tiny self did well. She probably had the most trouble with trip hazards because she just can’t see them with the grass that is as tall as she is. Being the smallest and shortest legs, she was also the slowest which was to be expected. She did get a free ride a few times, up the bluff, through the worst part of the bogs, and over the most difficult terrain. But carrying a 30+ pound pack and a 20+ pound kid is hard work! When we made it through the rough parts, down she went and back to walking herself. She’ll be a resilient Alaska woman one of these days, probably the best of all 3 of us.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 were great. They had found some walking sticks on the beach that they used to go in and out with. They came in pretty handy too, wish I had one! Each of us had a pack (except Little Bit) in which our clothes, water and food was packed. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were carrying their clothes and some extra water bottles, stuff like that. Dean’s pack was the heaviest, probably 60 pounds at least, carrying in most of our water and food. Mine had water, clothes, emergency supplies, and I was packing the heat on my hip. (Thankfully we didn’t need it, but you just never know, always be prepared!) We packed in 4 gallons of water, which we used 3 of, and there was an additional 10 gallons of water at the cabin that we used to wash and clean up with. 5 people use a lot of water even when trying to conserve it!
The return trip was much easier since our packs were not nearly as heavy, we only had dirty laundry and misc things to pack out. Lighter loads make for better hiking! And it was easier to carry Little Bit with lighter packs. I can see where a front pack or at least my rebozo would have been a good idea to tie that child on so I could carry her all the way in. But then again, she needs to learn to do this on her own. Thing 1 and Thing 2 took turns walking with Little Bit and holding her hand. That seemed to help her keep her pace up and gave them something helpful to do. Thing 2 was actually the most helpful. It was so cute watching him pick her up and carry her over the mud holes. He’s going to make a good Alaska Man, a gentleman and capable of doing anything. A great combination!
I have hopes of going in on 4 wheelers next trip. The trail is drying out nicely and hopefully, if it stays that way (no big rains) we can ride in and carry some extra stuff in. I need to change out Dad’s cookware, most of what is left at the cabin now is aluminum (Linda had requested I bring in Dad’s cast iron for her back in April, so there’s not much left to cook in) and I don’t use aluminum. I need to find a skillet, and a few baking pans to take out and leave there so we can actually cook a full meal with out using one pot to do so! 😉
I also want to get Dad’s big moose rack back into the cabin. Hopefully we can get that done before his memorial in July. Definitely need to pack that rack in on a wheeler. Much to heavy and difficult to pack in on your back!
I’d been afraid of changing ’cause I’d built my life around you,
But life makes you bolder and even children get older,
And I’m getting older too…
I had been afraid of changing because I had built my life around certain people, certain ideals, certain expectations. Once I acknowledged my heart, what I’ve known for a long time, the changes didn’t seem so radical. The fear seemed to subside. Certainly there is apprehension at the unknown, but not fear.
My brother said something to me before I left. He said “do you remember when I was leaving for Ft. Leonard Wood and you told me “I hope you find what you are looking for?” I said “yes, I remember that, “he went on to say “well, I hope you find what you are looking for.” I hugged my brother, told him that I had found what I was looking for, that I loved him and said goodbye.
When I said that to my brother all those years ago, I was referring to a spiritual hole that he was desperately searching to fill. That hole has been filled in me for many years. However, I think that my brother is wiser than he gets credit for many times. There is something I’m searching for. Something just below the surface. Something that I get glimpses of now and then, but I need to see fully.
Yes brother, I do believe that I will find what I’m looking for.
And the landslide will bring it to me.
In a mere 72 hours I will be in the air.
Flying over the plains states on my way to the Last Frontier.
This journey has been a long time coming.
I’m so excited.
Alaska on my mind... 