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Cooking

 

I only packed a few cookbooks. The Gluten Free Gourmet was one of them. And For Zion’s Sake was another. I’ve been using my For Zion’s Sake cookbook a lot! My friend Chris bought it for me two years ago at Sukkot. It took me a while to start using it, but once I did, I found it invaluable! I’m very thankful for it. Not only does it have only Kosher ingredients and special recipes for Passover/Pesach, but it has a lot of gluten-free and “healthy” recipes too! It’s a great all-around cookbook for me.

 

Today we are making some banana bread. We recently got a bunch (like a whole box) of bananas so we have plenty of banana bread to make! I’m making a gluten-free banana blueberry loaf and a wheat banana cake for everyone else. I thought some rhubarb sauce might be good over the top of it for dessert later! We have plenty of rhubarb that we brought in from the cabin in the freezer now.

 

Enchilada casserole is our main dish, with guacamole, sour cream and salsa… yum!

 

Dip Netters

English: Traditional Salmon Fishing, Fraser Ri...

English: Traditional Salmon Fishing, Fraser River, Canada Deutsch: Traditionelles Lachsfischen, Fraser River, Kanada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, dip net season is open. Dip nets
are huge fishing nets, that fishermen use to catch large quantities of salmon
at once. The season opened on Wednesday. Lots of travelers and tourists here in town now. People from Minnesota, Texas, North
Carolina, Canada, Sweden… Washington, California, & Japan. All
over the world, they come here to catch our red salmon. And drink,
boy can they drink. Once the nets come in, they head to their
campers/tents/hotel rooms and sauce it up… Fish fast, drink faster.
Talk about a different experience.

We have avoided the beach since it’s
“combat fishing” down there. And plenty of dead fish carcasses
and litter. As soon as dip net season is over, we’ll head back down
with lots of trash bags to start cleaning up the mess they
leave…
Until then, we’ll stay off of the beach.

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Thoughts…

 

 

They fill my mind,

 

Overwhelming at times….

 

Of me, and what I need to do.

 

Of my kids and their needs. Clothes, food, education, play…

 

Of reality… an estranged spouse who doesn’t want to work on an amiable division. Trying to find work… Again.
Fishing, I really want to go fishing…

 

Of life, and the ironic things that happen to us and others around us…

 

Of those I miss, my seester, my BFF, my Mom…. My Dad.

 

Of starting new and fresh. Can I live a happy life? Really? Is there “happy ever after”?

 

Am I going to be able to fall asleep tonight?? It’s after midnight and the thoughts are rolling through my mind so loudly that I can’t sleep.

 

A Good Sabbath

 

This has been a rough week. Between working 4 closing nights in a row (including one very busy night with no help), the emotionally charged days of July 4th and 5th, and learning about Howard’s death (the first death I’ve had to process since Dad’s), I’m exhausted.

 

 

But…

 

 

We got up this morning and read our Torah portion. We read about the Israelites coming into the Promised land, crossing over the Jordan River and finally getting their inheritance. Finally. After 40long years, and several battles, the children of Israel were home. YHVH shows his faithfulness and keeps his word, once again. We have this promise to stand on, that YHVH will always keep his word.

 

After our Torah portion we put in some praise music and enjoyed the peaceful environment that always creates.

 

 

A good sabbath.

 

 

It seems that no matter what our Torah portion is about, there is always something in it that corresponds to our current life situation. I can see several parallels here. YHVH is faithful, even when we are not. He even keeps our end of the bargain through Yeshua. And when we are not faithful, we have the ability to turn from our evil-doing, and there he is, faithfully waiting. (this is not license to do evil, but his mercy and grace). We do the best we can with what we have at times.

 

This Torah portion mentions Caleb (Kaleb) a few times. I always enjoy the portions with Caleb in them. Caleb was faithful. His faith is an inspiration to us all. Even in the face of giants, Caleb was faithful, along with Joshua (Yehoshua).

 

 

I wish I were more like Caleb and Joshua. I wish that my faith wouldn’t waiver in the face of giants. But it does. I’m human. I make wrong decisions. I do the best I can with what I have, and I walk on.

 

Melancholy

 

You know that feeling, bittersweet memories. Looking back over the years and reminiscing.
Yesterday, my former co-worker and friend Louise called me to let me know that one of our supervisors from the Post Office had passed away. His name was Howard.

 

Howard was a great guy, just a few years older than me. He brought a ray of sunshine to our dark work environment. He was fun, loved to joke and laugh. He was fair. Having a fair boss makes a huge difference in your outlook at work.

 

Howard was a husband and father. I know that this loss is great for them, I’m grieved for his wife and kids.

 

Working at the post office for my first three years was no picnic. There was always someone stirring the pot, making the clerks mad at the carriers or inner fighting in our own ranks, so much drama in efforts to keep us occupied and off of management’s back. Add to that the nonsense of the union, and the red tape and bureaucracy of government regulations, oh yeah, and a tyrant for a boss, and you can imagine it wasn’t a nice place to work. Howard made it bearable for me and others. He brought a fresh perspective. He didn’t make decisions solely based on his own advancement or what would look good to his boss. I respect him for that. He was a peacemaker.

 

Howard died just a few days after my Dad did, on April 6. I think of his kids. They would be teens by now. How they must feel, loosing their Dad unexpectedly and during such a formative time in their life. My heart aches for them, I know that pain.
I think of his wife Lynette. Loosing a spouse that you genuinely loved and expected to live out your days with, I can’t imagine what that feels like. My heart aches for her, but I have not known that kind of pain.

 

Some people come into our lives for only a short period of time. But they leave a lasting impression on us. Howard was one of those people in my life.
Rest peacefully my friend.

 

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day!!

Old Glory

Old Glory

July 4th has double meaning for us this year, it marks our first month anniversary of living in Alaska! Yes, it’s been an entire month already! Time does fly!

This is my second Independence Day in Alaska, the first one was in 1994, in Seward for the big celebration. What a crazy time that was! This one will be much more subdued!

I hope your Independence Day is blessed!

Good Intentions

The road to hell is paved with good intentions… or so they say.

I’ve had them in the past, felt that I was trying to be “helpful” and voiced my opinion, when what I should have done was asked “how can I pray for you?” or “can I help you in any way”… Instead of offering my thoughts on what they should or shouldn’t do.

Ever happen to you?

Yeah, it’s happening to me.

I understand why, but it’s still hard to accept.

I guess that maybe my bereavement doula training has offered me even greater insight and wisdom in this regard. No matter how much information we think we may know about a situation, if you haven’t walked in the shoes of the person experiencing it, you cannot fully understand. You can try to, you can empathize, you can be supportive, or you can say hurtful things with your good intentions. The power of life and death is in the tongue, use it wisely.

Routines

 

 

The experts say it takes two weeks (or is it three) to develop a new routine or habit. We’re working on our third week here and thankfully we’ve started to develop some new routines.

 

The big one would be bedtime of course.

 

Going to bed when it’s still broad daylight outside is a challenge to anyone, especially to children. Thanks to blinds and a dark curtain, we have finally gotten into the swing of going to bed by 9 pm. The little ones are headed to bed at 8:30 and Thing 1 gets to read for a while before bedtime. But lights out at 9!
Mom is doing good too in that regard. Still a night owl, but not the 2 am sort anymore. I’m rarely up past midnight, and when I am, it’s usually because I had to work or we were doing something outdoors that kept us out late. I’m up early too most days. A real change for me to say the least!

 

Another great routine is tidying up the place. Our apartment is definitely not cluttered (we don’t have too much stuff yet) and we like it that way. The kids have several toys and are learning to keep them picked up when not playing with them. Thing 1 has a tote full of craft supplies that our neighbor gave her that she also likes to get out and string all over the place. As long as she picks up after herself and puts everything away, we are good!

 

The dishes are put away and dirties loaded into the washer, rarely do we have a sink full of dirty dishes! It’s an awesome feeling! Plus my counter-tops are clear! And for any of you close enough to me to know that this is a big issue for me! 🙂

 

The next routine is that of getting used to the new job then come fall, incorporating our homeschooling into this schedule. Working odd shifts that change daily is going to be a challenge, but thankfully we have some good people helping provide us with childcare! I’m very thankful for that! It’s hard enough to find folks to care for your kids when you’ve lived somewhere for years, let alone a few weeks! I am truly blessed that YHVH has brought us several good people to help fill this need!

 

Clarity

Sometimes life has a way of getting our attention. It makes us sit down, or stand up, and take notice of things that perhaps we were trying to hide, or avoid. Things that we need to act on.

That’s what happened to me.

When Dad died, my world changed, but it was more than just him being gone that changed. I had to face some realities of my own.

I made it to Alaska a week after Dad’s death, and two days later my Dad’s good friend drove me out to his cabin. I needed to go, he didn’t really want to go out there, but knew that it was something that I needed, and out of respect for my Dad, he took me. I had to be in my Dad’s space, I had to feel what was left of his “presence” if you know what I mean.

We drove out there is a shroud of silence mostly. Each of us struggling with our own grief and guilt.

I took some time to walk around outside and explore while Dean went into the cabin to light a fire. It was cold, highs in the low 30s. The cabin was frozen, and it never did warm up all the way. But then again, maybe that was just the way I felt.

As I walked around the trails that my Dad had made with his snow machine, I just took in the fresh, clean air. I cried. I called out to my Dad, and to G-d. I let my feelings wash over me.

As I was walking around, I stopped and looked out over the “ball field” that Dad had cleared, and just stood there.  Something happened to me there that I can’t really explain adequately. It was like a whirlwind of sorts, not violent, just swirling around me. And images from my life flashed before my eyes. Images that were painful. And the thought that kept presenting itself to my mind was “what am I doing?“.  I felt G-d’s presence and a sense of release and direction. Both things I had been praying for years without receiving.  I knew I had some changes to make. And I finally felt free to make them.

Those changes presented themselves over the course of the next 3-4 weeks.

I had to go back to Kansas, but I knew I had to get back to Alaska, where I felt I belonged (and have wanted to live for many years) but I needed my children with me. Notice I didn’t need anyone else. The reality of this wasn’t new to me, and I have felt if for many years. Preferring to hide it from the world, and largely from myself.

I was reluctant to admit my true feelings for a while. It took me almost a month to fully voice what I needed to do. I struggled with the feeling of failure, again. Feeling like I didn’t deserve to be happy, or just to be normal, again. I’ve been angry for so long, angry was my normal. I didn’t want to live that way any longer.

“Mud season”, that’s what Richie calls these life-altering times when our world gets turned upside down and inside out. He’s always saying “don’t make any life changing decisions during mud season”.  But for some of us, it takes mud season to prompt the life changing decisions and act of them. And as I’m learning, mud season (summer) is just a way of life up here. You learn to adapt and live with it.

Life changes, we adapt, and we go on.

I’m going on.

With clarity.

And peace.

Muddin’

June 21, last Friday, was the day that we had set aside to ride out to the cabin, for just a day trip, to check the trails and hopefully do a little trail grooming/clearing and playing in the mud. We rode out to the end of the road, unloaded the wheeler, parked the truck and took off for the beach. We rode out on the beach half way to Leif’s Creek and then went up “Jacob’s Ladder” to the trail above. Four wheeling on the beach was fun, but wow, what a muddy, messy ride up Jacob’s ladder. Lots of holes and a really messed up trail from all the rough riders ripping and tearing through there. 😦 Really hard to navigate plus you are right on the edge of the bluff.
Finally made it to the main trail, remember, still have about 5 miles or so to go as Leif’s Creek is the half-way point. Through mud. Some places were so dry that we kicked up some dust, but mostly, it was thick, sticky mud, and water holes covered with stagnant water and mosquitoes.

The first part of the ride “my driver” (ha ha, I sound like Miss Daisy) took it easy on me and went slow through the mud. We got stuck in a deep hole that we just couldn’t get the wheeler out of, so we had to use the wench and pull it out. I fell into the mud bog trying to move around in the middle of that big mud hole, holding the rope tied to a tree and the wench. Muddy pant legs from the knees down. Muddy gloves, mud in the gloves. While stopped there I saw some large wolf tracks in the mud. (that’s for you Makayla!)

We went on up the trail till we met some friends on the way, Tami and Mike. Stopped to visit with them a bit. Mike gave us a good summary of the trail in front of us, told us where to avoid and where to go around the bigger mud bogs. Talked about mosquitoes because they are big news this year, they are so bad! And talked about Dad. Heard more stories about him, I don’t think I’ll ever grow weary of hearing people talk about him.

Then we were off again. We forded a water crossing with water up to mid-calf and away we went. The rest of our trip went well, since we had good instructions from Mike about the bad spots and we made it to the cabin with only a few more “stuck” spots. We saw some bear sign on the trail (that’s the nice way of saying bear poop) and lots of moose tracks.

Checked on the cabin, watered the garden, killed some mosquitoes, ate some lunch that we packed in, smashed sandwiches taste pretty good when you’ve worked up an appetite battling the mud! 😉 After a short break, back to the trail to get out. We had to be back in town by 4 pm, and we were racing the tide, needed to be off the beach by 3:30 or so we thought, so we had to get going.

For some reason, the trip back was a little more muddier than the trip in. Someone decided that it would be more fun to baha through the mud more and although he was right, it was a lot more fun, it was also a lot more muddier and bouncy! I nearly bounced off that wheeler a couple of times. My arms are still sore from holding the rack. It was quite the initiation to the summer Gray Cliffs mud and trail, and 4 wheeling.

Ran into Tami and Mike again, who had a few extra friends with them. I love being introduced to new people as “This is Chuck’s Daughter”. LOL Some of them actually ask MY name, others are just fine with Chuck’s Daughter. I need a name tag that says “Hello, my name is Chuck’s Daughter” and just wear it around town. While we were stopped we saw a cow moose and her twin calves coming down the trail at us. She got pretty close considering the noise the 9 of us were making!

We made it to the beach at 2:10 and the tide was coming in. We probably didn’t have until 3:30. Learning these tides is a whole new experience to be sure. There’s the timing of the tides, and the height or how far in they are coming, and learning where that mark is on the beach, and learning the beach… I feel like I’m cramming for final exams.

I’m glad we went in though, gave me a good understanding of the difficulty of the mud trail, and what all we need to get done before Dad’s memorial in July (which is A LOT!). And the reality of how out of shape that I am! Wowzers! There’s no way we could ride the kids in on wheelers in that mess. Maybe a track rig or a 6 wheeled rig, but not a 4-wheeler!

Next time, with rain gear and taller boots I hope, I will have even more fun. Who knows, pretty soon I’ll be riding in on my own wheeler, then we can race, and eventually I’ll win. 😉

Baptized with mud...

Baptized with mud…